We can all relate to that slightly sinking feeling when something we've put our heart and soul and expertise and passion into writing comes back to us with a flood of notes and all sorts of 'interesting' opinions...
Getting feedback is an unavoidable part of writing for a living. Whatever sort of writing you do, from little articles for websites, to novels, to big TV shows, everyone gets notes. But no one ever really tells us how to handle them do they? And it can be really difficult to know how not to let them knock our confidence - especially the ones we don’t agree with! And that can lead to us being defensive and argumentative and really feeling like this passion of ours is no longer enjoyable. Which is a real shame.
Let's be honest, we've all experienced rejection in some form or other. We’ve all had stuff turned down. So how on earth do we retain our self confidence in the face of that? Because it can be crushing. It can leave us feeling defeated: 'How long can I keep on tenaciously plugging away and really revealing myself when I'm just not getting the recognition I deserve? Especially when there's so much stuff around that IS being made and published that really isn’t very good?!'
I was a jobbing actor for many years, and rejection is a huge part of that industry too. You find yourself having to constantly respond to totally conflicting feedback, some of which is, to be honest, ludicrous! The choices we make in acting, as in writing, are subjective so a lot of feedback can feel really unfair and arbitrary. Almost hilariously, the very first question actors ask each other is a desperate sort of 'are you working?!' In the hope that you’re not either! It’s nuts. And it’s really unhelpful.
And so we can find ourselves in a cycle of putting ourselves down and feeling like we're just not good enough. And guess what, that’s even more unhelpful. Being our best writing selves - and indeed our best selves generally - requires us to enjoy our lives and coach ourselves in a more supportive way. Telling ourselves that we've messed everything up will get us nowhere - it’s far more productive to be kind to ourselves. Ask yourself this - if you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself on occasion, would you have any?
We all know deep down that that type of negative thinking isn't really conducive to our success. I believe firmly in the law of attraction - what you give out you get back. So we need to be helping others along and building each other up. This is a huge part of why I set myself up as a creative confidence coach. So many of us need a bit of help with boosting our confidence rather than knocking it down.
So how can we learn to handle feedback better? Learning is a key idea here. We need to practice doing something different. We can get stuck in old negative ways of handling feedback and it's really important to recognise that if what we’re doing isn’t working then we need to do something different. Even something small can make a huge difference. And then it requires practice to turn it into a natural habit. It's like going to the gym and exercising your ‘mind muscles’ in a new way; they’re not going to get toned and gorgeous unless you repeat the exercises!
So, with that in mind, here are some of my top tips and mindset shifts.
There Is No Such Thing As Failure, There Is Only Feedback
This way of thinking is totally game changing. I was so blown away and inspired when I first heard this great little statement that I went off and wrote a play entitled There is No Failure. Only Feedback. It struck me that much!
It's so much more useful to think in these terms when we're creating work. We're far more likely to succeed when we're giving ourselves positive encouragement instead of beating ourselves up about all our many failings. But is it really as simple as just shifting our mindset? Absolutely! But the key is we need to really believe it. Notice how it feels to try on this new way of thinking. Notice how our creative process begins to feel naturally easier as a result. And perhaps seemingly tricky edits and ideas actually begin to feel much more like exciting challenges rather than difficult, strained grind.
A Sense Of Perspective
When we're all wrapped up in a difficult situation - feedback we don't like is a good example - we can feel like we’re trapped in it. We experience it in our minds like we're really there and we feel it, see it, smell it. The brain is a pretty amazing thing! But unfortunately being fully immersed in a problem makes it really difficult to step out, get solution focussed and gain clarity and perspective. What we really need is to disassociate ourselves from the issue.
So, step back. In your mind step back. Step back physically too, if you like. See it all the way over there and observe the situation from a healthy distance. Or you can float up above it and look down on the problem like a seagull observing it. What would he think I wonder? Would he find it so important? You could also float into the future several weeks, months and years from now and notice when you do how different it looks from all the way over there. My mum always used to say to me when something felt really tough in the moment - ‘that has passed and so will this.’ I think it's Walt Whitman. It's a super helpful, really simple distancing technique to gain perspective and clarity.
A Sense Of Humour
Cultivating an even better sense of humour is one of the most powerful ways of getting unstuck. Clients of mine are often really surprised at this. But being able to draw on your innate sense of humour, your ability to be light about things, is a really effective way of handling difficult feedback. Notice how, when we're most stuck in our lives our humour has usually been extinguished. And I don't mean maniacally laughing at everything but drawing on a wryness, a lightness and seeing the funny side of things. People respond to this brilliantly too because our states of mind are really contagious. All you need to do is get back in touch with times when you’ve felt just this way.
Further developing our sense of humour also allows us a lovely flexibility. Flexibility is one of what I like to call the Super States - it allows us to be agile, more adaptable and way more open to feedback, thinking of flexible, fresh solutions with ease.
Find The Spirit Of The Note
It can be really helpful to step into the shoes of whoever’s giving you feedback on your writing and get in touch with 'the spirit of the note'. We may not agree with the specific note, but being flexible and stepping back allows us to think 'ok, what does my editor think that specific change will achieve and how can I apply that in a way that not only gives her what she wants but also allows me to stay true to myself?' Where are they coming from with that note, from a bigger picture perspective? Could we answer it in a creative way? That way we can get back to enjoying the process. Interestingly, we'll be far more receptive, quicker to absorb and retain new information and will view any feedback we're given in the manner in which it's intended - as interesting information that will allow us to grow and develop and achieve even more brilliant results.
Each of these seemingly little mindset shifts, these simple techniques that are easy to practice, can make a big difference to how we learn to handle challenges such as feedback. This in turn can enable us to rediscover the fun in our work! I really recommend practicing these techniques regularly and with real congruence so your neurology can quickly get used to firing in this new, far more useful, much more life enhancing direction.
Siobhan will be answering your questions about building confidence, coping with feedback and rejections and fulfilling your potential on a webinar on 22nd January at 8pm GMT. You’ll need to register to join the webinar. SIGN UP HERE.
Siobhan McMillan runs confidence training for creatives. Find out more here.
